a few random things.

i might move to san francisco in a year and a half.

my brother is making a short film with some people. staring none other then (drum roll please) Skreech from Saved By The Bell. omg.

the chef from my dad's restaurant was on the Mr. Food show today.

i've been drinking entirely too much and too often lately.

sang karaoke for my first time two weeks ago. Dynamite Hack-Boys In the Hood and Davinals- I Touch Myself

My niece is starting to say my name: "mayme"

i secretly want to go into fashion design or be a stylist...but im way too scared after watching Project Runway

i desperately want a tattoo but my dad said he would write me out of the will if i got one. psh.

after borrowing my roommates pearl necklace...i want one. BAD.

i have to paint a 2 x 3 foot self portrait by monday....and i haven't even thought about starting.

i wish spring break would never end.

so i've decided not to go back to chicago. it was a horribly tough decision but now that i've made it i feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. im going to take classes at parkland and move in with erin. but i REALLY need to get a job. does anyone know of places that are hiring?!? im desperate. and i really dont want to work for my dad.

anyways....i hope this works out.

i dont want to go back to school. at all. i dont like chicago, its not for me. this sucks.

i dont know how to tell my dad. im going to feel like such a failure if i dont go back...but the thought of it just makes me depressed.
if i dont go back i will probably move in with erin, get a job and maybe take a few classes at p-land, just to take care of my gen eds. i want to make some money so i can go out to portland next fall.

i dont want to just give up....but how do you know when something is right? i've got til the 8th of january to decide....

i'm thinking about moving to Portland Oregon and transfering to the Art Institute of Portland to study interior design. this is the most difficult and most exciting decision i've made in my life. ever. i've decided that although i like the city, chicago is not for me. and it breaks my heart that i wont get to see Bela as often...but i dont like UIC and i need a major change. i've been really worried about this until i read what miss lindsey jane had to say about change "it is scary. and it does hurt. because it's change. but change is also necessary; change is exciting, exhilarating, and sometimes even kind. of course you're scared, but this will be it for you. everything is okay. it's all part of the experience. you are so loved, and that doesn't go away." and she made me feel about 90% better about the whole thing. i feel like i need a sign or something. let me know this is right...


on ANOTHER note...my dad keeps talking about how he is "sooo broke" and complains every time he has to pay my tuition. and so i walk outside yesterday to see a NEW CAR in the driveway. WTF?!?!?!? i asked nancy about it and she's like "ohh well one of Allen's friends died and his wife called us and said she was selling all of his old cars so we just snatched it up" WTF?!?!? you dont just spend $60,000 on a whim! especially when you're complaining about spending $8,000 for your daughters COLLEGE EDUCATION! grrrrrrrrr i am so frustrated with him right now.

p.s. im getting my hair cut and dyed on thursday. i will post pics afterwards....its going to be so different. im nervous.

"Alex Trebeck goes aroud the 'JEOPARDY!' studio wearing a button that says PAT SAJAK LOOKS LIKE A BADGER. He and Sajak play raquetball every Thursday."
-Girl with Curious Hair by David Foster Wallace

i am so fucking pissed right now. i am so stressed and overwhelmed and lonely and depressed and lost and im so sick of trying to fix other peoples problems and feeling bad when i can't. i want to move far away and be away from everything i know and start completely over.

why am i so good at making myself feel so bad. im scared of everything. to do anything new.im scared of people. and of rejection. and how they will look at me a judge me. i need. something. someone. some time. anything. anything good. a break. a change. i need to get away from him. he is not good for me. and i am not good for him.

http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2005-6/1027852/DSCN2000.JPG

Seriously though. How fucking adorable is that?

i know most of you really dont give a shit, but for those of you who do, my twin niece's!

http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2005-6/1027852/twins_640x480crop.jpg

elaina's on the left and camille is on the right (THEY ARE HOLDING HANDS. asdjhgal;lksd!!)
i dont think any of you know my brother patrick (their dad) but elaina looks EXACTLY like him when he was a baby. and camille looks just like a little elf.

Date:	2005-10-04 19:26
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	sick
Music:	The Rolling Stones- Sweet Black Angel

up until this week i was realy convinced that college wasn't all that hard.

last night i was at the lab from 7 p.m. until about 3:30 a.m. working on my project for time based visual arts.
(COMPUTER lab. not SCIENTIFIC LABORA-TORY)
slept from 4-8. woke up and went to class and didn't even present my piece.

im still not completely happy with the end result, so i think im going to go back and change a few things. some people would think art would be a really easy major....but omfg. it is sooooo time consuming. you have no idea. but if art is your major, it is/should be your life and your love...so im not complaining.

after graphic design class (more staring at a computer screen for too many hours) i was walking to helix with dan to get film and i found $15 on the sidewalk. in chicago. how lucky am i? AND THEN i was going to put money on my i-card and i found a copy card in the machine with $3.87 on it. wooooooo.

i think this is karma rewarding me for quitting smoking cigarettes. (it's been since saturday! i know that doesn't sound like much...but with the amount of stress i've been feeling lately its amazing)

i went home this weekend to see ryann before she left for protland. she had a party at joe's. keg of honey brown + piniata=good times.

Here are a few pictures from last night:
http://www.villagephotos.com/pubbrowse.asp?folder_id=1466545

3 more random ones.
-Cedric Stratton doing a keg stand. (summer '05)
-me and matt. (couple weeks ago)
-dave giving erin a shotgun (summer 04)
http://www.villagephotos.com/pubbrowse.asp?folder_id=1466557

this weekend was my brother's wedding. it was in winconsin at a lodge on lake wandewega. the ceremony was outside, and it was such a beautiful day. it was a very short very simple, but so sweet. i cried. my dad forgot his suit (i have no idea how) so he had to borrow a shirt from my brother and a tie from joe (it had purple and blue snowflakes). katie had a beautiful very unique dress, it was kind of like a slip dress with a lace apron type thing over it, it sounds really weird but she looked so beautiful. i saw some of the most interesting looking/dressed people ever. all my brothers weird musician friends were there. people brought tents and camped out and family and close friends stayed in the lodge. three of the most beautiful baby girls i have ever laid my eyes on were being passed around throughout the evening. people took row boats and conoes out on the lake for drunen boat rides in the middle of the night. there was a bonfire afterwards complete with smores and a swing that went out over the lake and loud music and LOTS of free alcohol. there was pot smoking (by young and old) and tons of wine drinking. fireworks. attempts at karaoke. and joe even threw chris a 5 minute bachelor party (after the wedding) complete with nudy magazines a bottle of scotch and a penis hat(??). chris ended up totally wasted, but still in his suit with the pant legs rolled up and flip flops on. it was amazing. definately the best family gathering i remember going to. ill post some pictures once i get them.

my brother, allen, is coming to town saturday. i am really excited to see him, it seems like its been so long. he is such a lost soul, i hope something really good happends for him very soon. chris is getting married next weekend which is so weird in a way, but really not considering he's been with the say girl for like..7 years? and they have a baby. its about time. this will be the first wedding where i am actually related to the people that are getting married. i am very excited. im gonna get to meet the twins for the first time. !!!

here's a picture of patrick and elaina..they look identical! http://www.pattymerry.com/birth/elaina/PEL.jpg

and one of him and camille: http://www.pattymerry.com/birth/camille/alotogelatoL.jpg
(sorry i dont know how to do the link thing or any of the fancy internet tricks)

and katie and bela (chris' fiance and their baby) http://www.pattymerry.com/birth/welcome/katieBelaL.jpg

i am so in love with my niece's.


on another note.
chicago blows. my classes are ok, photo and time based visual arts are awesome. graphic design frustrates the hell out of me. and my english class is like im still in high school, but thats ok cause i deserve at least one easy class.

i still haven't really met anyone...and that makes me more depressed than anything else. i must come off as extremely unapproachable. or maybe i just need to take the enititative(sp?).

being in the city is pretty cool though. me and dave took the bus to the loop last night and i got a dress for the wedding. we were walking down state street and some bum asked if he could buy a cigarette from me for a quarter. i just gave him one. and then dave gets the brilliant idea to ask him where a good restaurant was near by. WRONG PERSON TO ASK BUDDY. i thought it was pretty comical.

so all this roommate mumbo is finally being worked out.

long story short: my roommate is movig in with one of her friends so i have the room all to myself!

this should make things a whole lot easier. im considering if i should push the beds together or not...

going back to CU makes me miss it so much. part of me feels like i just need to get used to everything here and i will learn to like it. however, knowing myself, if im not really excited about something and really looking forward to it at the beginning i will just convince myself that i am not happy. i'd like to think that i am an open minded person, and i am, but i am also very stubborn.

i am lonely.
i know im not the most outgoing friendly person in the world and its only been like a week, but seriously, if i dont meet some people soon, i think im going to go insane.

this place does not feel like home.

i moved into my dorm last wednesday and i've already been home since. im supposed to be excited about this whole college thing.....im nervous. im not good at meeting people and im pretty positive that i dont give a very good first impression. im not ready.


if you want to write (please do) my address is:

700 S. Halsted St. CMW (7314)
Chicago, IL 60607

i feel like this should be something i should be happy about. and in a way, i am. but when i see him (which i probably shouldn't even be doing)...its not like i regret it, but what if we really were supposed to be together? (ok, i know, then we still would be, right?).

i dont feel attracted to him really anymore...but when i was leaving tonight he gave me a hug and kissed my neck and i was so close to forgetting everything i have said to him in the past few days. but i can't do that. i need some independence...i dont want to be followed around or feel like im being kept on a leash.

im fucking 18 years old. i am not ready to settle down and be with one person for the rest of my life, especially when he is really the only serious relationship i have been in. sometimes i feel like we'll get back together someday, but i need this time for myself. i dont want to start school with a boyfriend and be known to everyone as half of a couple. i want a fresh start, and if we are brought back together someday, then ill know it was right.

i moved most of my stuff out of my apartment yesterday. i agree with whoever said moving is one of the most stressful things you can do. it was SO bad. not to mention HOT.

2 margaritas
3 long islands
1 jager bomb
and 1 jack and coke later...all the stress was forgotten about.

hopefully today wont be as bad.
(i think i might have become single last night....we'll see)

for the past six night's i've been having dreams about boys. naughty dreams about boys. a different boy every night. some i know, and some i don't.

i think this is some subliminal sign that i want to be single; i almost broke up with dave last weekend. its like i want to...but i just can't.

this is killing me....

i got my haircut today.....oh i haven't had a traumatic salon experience in so long, i knew it was bound to happen soon. (not to mention its the 13th)

i think i want to get it a little shorter...and i should have said something to the lady when i was there but she kept saying that it would look shorter when it was dry and when it was curly..

(i got it cut at Timothy John's which usually does a great job)

so do i
A) go back and say you gave me a crappy haircut, fix it NOW since i paid $32 which is sort of rediculous. (which i really don't want to do)
B) Go to one of those $10 places and have them chop off the extra 2 inches
C) Go to a odfferent nice salon where im pretty sure they wont fuck it up..like maybe Ipatsu?
D) live with it for a while and see how it grows on me...(ajkhdakj, get it)

since i am moving into my dorm on the 17th, im going shopping to buy sheets and whatever else i might need ...

is there anything that i should buy for my dorm-room that you think is essential or that makes crappy dorm living a little less...crappy (sdkjh)?

any suggestions will help!